October is such a powerful month to me. It is a month to honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss. My birthday also falls in October; and ever since I was a little girl, I always had a special wish when I blew out my birthday candles: I wanted to be a mom. Birthday wishes, prayers, playing pretend “house” as a little girl … all of this showed that my biggest dream was to become a mom.
Now, several years later, those prayers and birthday wishes have come true. I have two incredible girls and a little boy on the way! What amazing answers to prayer to have Lillian (age 4), Gemma (age 2.5), and our son due at the end of the year.
But I am going to be 100% transparent and tell you this has been a rough road to becoming a mom and building our family. When I was young I thought it would be so simple. The simplicity of it was indeed a dream, but fighting to get to that dream, while hard, has also made me stronger.
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things” (Ecclesiastes 11:5).
I have been pregnant six times, but half of those pregnancies lasted a short moment. Six times I received confirmed positive pregnancy tests. And each time I imagined who that child would turn out to be. Yet three of those times, my dreams were shattered. CRUSHED.
When my husband and I first jumped aboard the baby-making train, it took us about a year to get pregnant, followed by a loss at 7 weeks pregnant. Then another loss at 9 weeks. Then our rainbow baby, Lillian, came into this world. A rainbow baby is a term for having a living child after a loss / miscarriage. This term stems from the bible and is so beautiful about God’s promises after we go through a dark storm.
“Whenever a rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth” (Genesis 9:16).
After I had my daughters Lillian and Gemma, my husband and I wanted to add another baby to our crew. That pregnancy ended at an early 5 weeks and was as devastating as all of my other losses.
After that, we leaned in deep to what God had for us, and eventually he answered our prayers with another rainbow baby … who is due in a few months!!!
Mama, if you are reading this today and you, too, have had a miscarriage or experienced infant loss, I encourage you to lean into God. He hurts with you, cries with you, and deeply cares for you and those babies because he loves you unconditionally. I hope you find peace in his love as you wait for your rainbow baby too. 🌈
Journal / Reflection Questions:
- Grab a pen, journal, a tissue box, and write a letter to the baby you lost. Let that child know how much you love and miss him or her, and how you know s/he is in the loving arms of Jesus.
- Write down Ecclesiastes 11:5 and meditate on its meaning. Ask God to show you something new about your grief. Thank God for all your blessings!
- Write 3 things you are grateful for and 3 things you are looking forward to.
- Who can you talk to about your baby or babies? You can honor them by talking to friends and family to help the healing process.
Danielle Van Peursem lives near Lake Minnetonka with her husband, two little girls, and 90 pound labrador retriever. Danielle works as a Marketing Manager for Hope Chest for Breast Cancer Foundation, and loves helping her community. With balancing the working mom life, she enjoys all the snuggles from her girls, boating with her family, and croissants and endless chai tea! You can connect with her on Instagram @daniraelene.